Why I Think Indians Constantly Comment on People’s Appearances
Your face looks so dull, you have become thin, I can see your bones, your belly has gotten bigger, you have put on some weight, you should try exercising: are you used to hearing one or more of these? If you have, join the club.
Assessed Like Animals in a Zoo
As an Indian, I have noticed that we are unhealthily obsessed with needing to share our opinions regarding people’s appearances. This disturbing fixation with external appearances is an intrinsic part of our culture.
The veins on someone’s hands, the amount of fat in their cheeks, the width of their shoulders, the thickness of their legs; there are so many ways to distill a person’s entire being into these tangible, superficial features.
Whenever I meet someone, the first thing they do is comment on my appearance. Recently, these remarks have been tinged with a strong sense of disgust. I have lost some weight, resulting in me sharply falling short of male South Indian beauty standards. My shoulders are not broad enough, my cheeks are hollowed out, my face doesn’t look manly enough: no amount of mental preparation can protect me from these stinging comments.
I find it all incredibly invasive. Personally, I am not in the habit of mentally reviewing people’s body weights and frames and handing them quick reviews whenever I meet them. If I do have an opinion about someone’s body, I keep it to myself. Otherwise, I usually complement them (“you look fantastic” is usually my go-to).
What is the Root of this Dark Obsession?
But why? Why do most Indians feel the need to verbally appraise someone’s appearance as soon as they lock eyes on them? After some careful observation and reflection, I have realized this behaviour is not one borne from malicious intent but from our country’s milieu instead.
1) It’s a way to establish superiority
In India, people are categorized based on their societal power and income. This dehumanizing practice often strips them of their individuality, trapping them in a mental prison from which only the strongest can escape.
Therefore, whenever someone gets an opportunity to reclaim even the smallest bit of power, they use it. To them, saying “you have gained weight” is not just making an observation; it is a way of establishing their power in that instant (“looks like someone isn’t doing so well”). It sort of seems sadistic, but in another way, it is kind of sad.
We live in a society where people would do anything just for a few moments of joy and respite from their powerless lives.
2) It’s just like a vanakkam or namaste
Most conversations with an Indian start with “How are you?” and [insert comment about appearance]. It is not always meant to be harmful; it is just a way to get a conversation moving along.
Hilariously, these types of conversation starters have become so normalized that it is weird when someone does not use them. Wouldn’t it be strange to not hear a Canadian say “thank you” or “sorry” after every second sentence?
Maybe that is why Indians bring up appearances; they are just trying to fill in the awkward silences in a conversation the only way they know how.
3) It is what everyone is constantly thinking of
Even the most secure Indian individual is worried about their appearance. Someone with six-pack abs may be concerned about their chicken legs while another with big biceps may be vexed about the small folds of fat on their belly.
Furthermore, appearances are deeply baked into how we navigate our daily lives. Are these shorts too short? Will pulling up my pants help hide my belly fat a little better or will it make me look too desperate? Are these sleeves too long or are my arms not just as well-defined as I had thought?
It is unfortunate that despite being such multifaceted and potential-filled individuals, we constantly undermine our self-worth through these self-flagellant and pointed critiques.
4) It is out of genuine concern
In South India — where I am from — a person’ s weight is a measure of their health. People can eerily trace out the journey of your life from slight changes in your appearance (almost like magic).
They do little memory backflips and dive back into their last interaction with you.
If your appearance does not measure up against their internal quality benchmarks, their brains raise alarm bells and push them to raise concerns regarding it.
I still remember the face of someone who saw me after I had lost some weight; they were taken aback in the worst possible way. In one way, it was nice they cared that much. At the same time, it made me question if there was something seriously wrong with me.
It’s not Easy to Break the Cycle
The lack of well-defined social boundaries in our culture can be off-putting to many and make them feel trapped. When someone makes an uninvited comment on your appearance, how do you tell them to stop?
I have often conjured up scenarios in my head where I have the courage to stand up for myself and say enough is enough. However, instead, I just give an awkward smile and try to convey my dissatisfaction through a vaguely-worded reply to whatever their concerned question is (no, I am not on some extreme diet and do not have any health problems that I know of).
Nothing Wrong with a Kind Compliment or Two
I am not against talking about appearances. I love when someone makes a supportive comment about how I look or the way I carry myself. Simple positive affirmations like these can completely brighten up my day.
The problem is when we become so attached to specific beauty standards that we react to any slight outlier with unnecessary distaste.
You are Enough, no Matter What They say
I long for the day when I can avoid mentally preparing myself before every social conversation out of fear that a single appearance-related comment can completely shut me down.
If you have ever been body-shamed or body-reviewed by someone who is unaware of your personal journey, do not be disheartened.
You are worthy of love, respect, and kindness, and your self-worth extends fay beyond the transient husk of your beautiful soul.
